Day Fifteen: Black and Gray

Yesterday was really tough. (This part's not about the crows.)

I noticed my cat Snowflake wasn't eating much or using her litter box and got concerned. I've always had a good intuition when it comes to other people or creatures in general, and I know when my cat's not feeling well, even if she's exceptionally good at hiding it. I brought her to the vet and only by running blood work were they able to tell her liver enzymes were abnormally high, which could be indicative of a host of issues. Unfortunately, they needed to refer me to a specialist since they couldn't run an ultrasound for her. It was a nightmare commute, but all that mattered was her - eventually I got there, and they told me they would have to board her overnight so they could provide her with supportive care (e.g. IVs/feedings, checking on her regularly) and then she'd get her ultrasound in the morning. I wasn't going to wait and see if this would heal on its own, so I opened up her carrier, spoke sweetly to her as I pet her, and then let them take her away.

It took all I had not to break down crying in front of the receptionists, but once I got home, I couldn't stop. The house was so weird without her in it - she's been a fixture of our lives for over a decade and where I thought I'd hear the tip-taps of her paws, there was silence. I was confident she'd be okay and that she'd be home soon, but in the meantime, I couldn't stop thinking about how much time has gone by. She's 11 now, a senior cat, and someday I'll have to face that silence again. I've got a lump in my throat just thinking about it.

She's home now, thankfully - shaved in a few places, and I can't help but laugh a bit. I'm giving her liquid meds twice a day to stave off what was shown to be an inflammation of the bile duct/pancreas area on the ultrasound. We'll know in a week what the next blood test shows - I'm hoping in the meantime that the medication helps. I had to hold/wrestle her down to give her two different syringes full of droplets...and I get to do it again tomorrow, oof. The good news is, she's had some more food and is using her litter box, so I'm hopeful she'll continue to be well. Meanwhile, I seem to have picked up a nasty runny/stuffy nose throughout the day...

Last night, when I came home, I knew I had to get my mind off the day's events - I'd been worried sick about Snowy and I'd been out all day driving to/waiting at two separate vet clinics, so I was incredibly drained. I sat down to play the final chapter of Kentucky Route Zero (which I'd been waiting a few years for - it released yesterday), and saw this:

Lately I've been struggling, wondering whether the signs I've been seeing are appearing before me for some divine, cosmic sort of reason, or if I'm noticing them because some subconscious part of me is becoming more alert and wants to see them. I can't say for sure which is true, but seeing this made me feel like everything was going to be okay...in the end, in spite of the uncertainties, everything has a way of working out. There is so much pain and injustice in this world that it feels a little naive to believe that...but I've always tried to believe it, and looking back on my life, the pain I once felt long ago has become just a memory to me. 

It's just funny to me how the signs keep manifesting in different ways. Maybe it means nothing. I want to believe that, but part of me can't fully subscribe to it.

Anyway...

(This part is about the crows.)

The crows showed up today - I think all five? I'm glad I didn't scare them away after greeting them yesterday. The squirrels are getting gutsy.